women 4 hope

Dedicated to addressing women’s issues.

How Do You Know If You Are In An Abusive Relationship? What Do You Do If You Are? Links, articles, and YouTube video.

Posted by Catherine Morgan on March 12, 2007

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picture by © strflt

If you or someone you know is in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship, there is a lot of information available and people that can help. Below is an article and links to help you understand domestic violence and abuse, and to find help. You are not alone.

Spousal Abuse Still a Problem for Women – from blogs by women

According to a recent survey, approximately one in four women over the age of 65 have been abused either sexually, physically, or psychologically. Furthermore, a survey of 370 women showed that approximately 26.5% of women experienced some form of violence from their partner and 3.5% of these women had undergone this abuse within the past 5%.

These statistics demonstrate that, although women have come a long way in the last several decades, many are still choosing to remain in relationships with abusive mates. This is often because the abusive spouse or mate will go through periods of time during which he is kind and reminds the woman of the man she fell in love with. These sneak peaks into the once kindhearted man she knew causes the woman to hang on in hopes that he is finally back for good. In addition, many women make excuses for their mates and actually justify the abuse they suffer.

Fortunately, the number of resources available to a woman suffering from abuse is plentiful. Of course, in an emergency situation, a woman can dial 911 in order to get help. But, she can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. The hotline is available 24 hours per day, ever day of the year. By calling the hotline, women suffering from abuse will be referred to nearby agencies that will provide them with help and a safe haven – this includes women that are fleeing from abuse along with their children.

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DOMESTIC & FAMILY VIOLENCE SIGNS YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

Information On Domestic Violence

How Do You Know If You Are In An Abusive Relationship?

Teens And Abusive Relationships

Helping A Friend In An Abusive Relationship

Information For Women On Child Custody

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23 Responses to “How Do You Know If You Are In An Abusive Relationship? What Do You Do If You Are? Links, articles, and YouTube video.”

  1. nymph said

    it is also hard to leave someone who is abusive for a few other reasons…

    *kids (most people think that the best thing for children is to have both parents living in the same house)

    *history (you may have been with him for a long time and truly care about his well being)

    *scared he will do something dumb (like commit suicide)

    *he will make your life hell if you try to leave (he may even use things he know about you or the kids against you)

    *worried about his physcological well being and dont want to leave him at his most vulnerable point (he may have anger problems or be very insecure due to his life experiences

    *he is nothing like the “tv” abusers and is respected or liked by everyone and no one would believe that he is unstable or abusive or that you arent provoking him to be abusive towards you

    i could probably go on and on…

  2. You are absolutely right. And, “I know”. That is why it is so important to recognize these types of problems. This is still a topic that people don’t want to admit to, or talk about, making it even tougher to deal with.

    Thanks so much for your comment. If you have any other links you think I should add to this post, let me know.

  3. PurplePurpleRage said

    Another reason that its hard to leave is that you might not get sole custody of the kids and then he would have visitation rights and the kids would have to spend time alone with him in his house without you there to protect them

  4. I learned that lesson the hard way. Another reason that we need to have more emphasis on realizing this type of abusive behavior as early as possible. I would love to see more women get out of abusive relationships before it goes as far as marriage and children. Awareness is a key aspect in prevention.

  5. Here is a link that addresses custody issues for women in abusive relationships….

    http://www.custodyprepformoms.org/

  6. Pfffffff'd in Seattle said

    dear women4hope,
    I am in a realtionship that may or may not be abusive. I am dearly in love someone, but I am constantly being “pfffffffffffff’d” and dont understand why. Usually this person is really great! They make me laugh, I smile a lot when they are around, I might even admit to building forts out of blankets so we can sit underneith them and talk all night.

    Does this “pffffffff” consitute abuse, or am I being overly sensitive to the “pffffff”

    Sincerely,
    “Pffffffff’d in Seattle”

  7. Hi “in Seattle”,

    Thank you for your comment. Let me start by saying that I have no idea what you mean by “pfffff”……it was only recently that I found out what LOL means. But, no matter what it means, my response to you would be the same.

    There are all different types of abuse in a relationship, and it is most often the case that you “do” love the person that is abusing you.

    I would tell you, and anyone who thinks they may be in an abusive relationship, to look in their local phone book for an “abuse hot-line”…..it will be a toll free call, and that person will be trained in determining if what you are experiencing is considered abuse.

    I hope this helps, and I wish you well.

    Catherine

  8. i dont know what to do said

    i think i might have a problem with my boyfriend, i really dont want to hurt him at all i really love him but i get really uspet sometimes and i do or say things that dont even make sense to me. its hard for me not to get jealous because i love him so much and i know he could find a million women better than me.

    ive always sort of had a problem with anger and sometimes i have hit him but i always apologize afterwards and i dont think he could be afraid of me because if he wanted he could hurt me much worse than i could him, but he doesnt and that makes me feel even more guity.

    the other day at my birthday party i got mad and i hit him and he wouldnt talk to me and he said he was leaving and thank god i talked him out of it but it really scared me, i dont want to be a bad person. i dont want to lose him.

    i wouldnt say its an abusive relationship because i dont think i am controlling, but there arent a lot of resorces online that i could find on the subject, and i think i really need help or just someone to talk to who knows what its like.

  9. for “I Dont Know What To Do”

    Here is a site I found for women with anger issues as well as abuse issues. Maybe you will find something here that is helpful.

    Thanks for having the courage to comment….half the battle is understanding that you have a problem.

    http://www.safe4all.org/resource-list/index?category=8

    I hope this is helpful.

  10. i dont know what to do said

    thank you for the link but it was hard to find anything. im not sure who to go to for help because no body knows about it and i dont want anyone to get the wrong impression of me. its really scary.

  11. “I Dont Know What To Do”

    I don’t have too much insight on this but I did find a book from amazon…
    http://www.amazon.com/Anger-Workbook-Women-Undermining-Relationships/dp/1572243791

    and here is one more site to try…
    http://topcondition.com/images/mymindfield/anger_management.htm

    Other than that, I don’t think I’ll be too much help. But good luck.

  12. I was in abusive relationship, but I moved out he call me the other day and gave me his new address and ask me to come over and I did and we had sex. Do I continue seeing him or do I stop please help.

  13. Hi Tara. I wish I could help you, but I’m not an expert in this area. I think what you should do is call your local abuse hot-line and talk to someone that can give you good advice about this.

    I hope this helps. Be well.

  14. ashley said

    I need some help as well.

    Example
    He doesn’t like it when I poke him so I do it anyways just to be cute ya know and give a cute smile but I do it and he freaks out and grabs my arms and yells at my face. He has treatend me with a knife if I didn’t leave his house. He tells me what a bad gf I am. He never trusts me he says stuff like I should have never left my ex for you and your effing retarded. Also he sent me a text message saying that if I effed him over again he will kill my whole family infrount of my face then kill me and I don’t know who I’m dealing with and he also wants me around 24.7 and I mean 24.7.. Like I have to go with him when he smokes out with his friends and I don’t smoke so if I say I’m going to sit in his car till he’s done he thinks I’m being a bich.. Put a t in there. And gets all angry. And he always treatens to punch me in the face although he has never done it he has punched holes in his walls next to me and he also has tried to throw my phone out of my hands.. I’m not allowed to have guy friends. If I tell him one of my friends texted me he gets all sarcastic and mad. I need to know if all this is abuse. I love him and I know if I leave he will hurt himself. He even says it himself he says he’s either going to be with me unhappy or he is going to end up killing himself. What do I do. I don’t wana be in this relationship anymore but I don’t know how do end it. He is a loose cannon and I don’t wanna risk anything. I thought about calling the cops or somthing but idk he scares me when he gets all angry and crap please email me ur responce. Thank you so much!

  15. marta said

    Ashley,
    I read over your post and it sound like you are putting up with a lot of abuse. It sounds like you must be in a lot of emotional pain. I have been working with women for the past 4 years and I had heard similar stories, I will tale you what I tale them; get out of the relationship. No one deserves to be treated that way. No one deserves to be put down and disrespected. Love is about understanding, communicating and sharing. Love is not about power and control, and that what it’s seem he is trying to do. By putting you down he wants you to feel bad and try make up for your bad behavior (he wants you jumping thru hoops). And he continually raises the bar.
    Girl get out of that relationship while your self esteem is still in tact. Obviously you have realized that something is wrong other wise you would not be on this website. Regarding the verbal threats that he is going to hurt you or your family, take them seriously don’t thing he is joking.
    My advice, get some help, seek some information on how to leave safe, wait for a good opportunity and leave. Don’t look back. After he realizes he lost you he will try to come and get you. Make sure he does not find you, whatever you do don’t get back to him. He will not change. Seek more information regarding your safety talk to experts, such as councilors, police officer, nurses even a priest or a teacher. Seek more help in your area, there has to be some services that you can find in your local phone book (look for support centers). Anyways girl, stay strong and do the right thing.

  16. Corinne said

    I am a 26 year old that is newly married, about six months ago. My husband has a history with drugs. Until about 1 year ago he was using heroin regularly, now he drinks. We both drink and sometimes we drink too much.

    The abuse started out by him yelling at the top of his lungs, and getting unreasonably angry about small things. Then he started threatening me with “if I divorced him he would take all my money and ruin my credit”, things like that. He will follow me around the house antagonizing me and yelling so loud. One day I slapped him in the face. When I first slapped him it was like the flood gates opened and I started punching him. This has happened about half a dozen times after that.

    Recently I realized that this behavior was not the normal me and I focused on stopping this. I have not let the anger get the better of me since that realization.

    Well, now he has started hitting me. He of course is a lot stronger and does it in a different way.

    Last night was New Years Eve and we went out drinking which we haven’t done much of in quite some time. The whole night was great and we had a lot of fun. At the very end of the night when we were finally at home something happened that changed the mood. Next thing I know my head is being slammed against the tile floor, I am being choked to the point of almost blacking out, me head was put through our front window. I was actually in fear for my life. I honestly thought he was going to kill me.

    I think of myself as a strong capable woman, but I am struggling with the fact that this is my fault. I brought this behavior out in him. By me hitting him in such an aggressive way I have taken us across that threshold.

    Please give me some advise!

  17. imjustme said

    Dear Corrine, yes ur at fault for hittn hin but it is in no way ur fault that he hit u. Ur both responsible for ur own behaviour. When u realizd ur errors, u changd it. That’s commendable n mature. If he hasn’t done the same, then he doznt deserve u or anymore chances to hurt u. If he’s gone this far, it’ll only get worse. Do what’s best for u not him. He is.

  18. Hurt and Alone said

    I’ve been with my sons father for the past 6 years. Up until 3 years ago he was “perfection”. Atleast in my eyes. The past 3 years however he has become a “monster.” He beats on me, has put me thru all kinds of abuse possible. Everytime he hits on me its always the same story over and over again…”sorry, it wont happen again.” He’s threathen my life and even tried to take it. My small children have seen it all and I’ve been thru court several times with him… I WANT to leave however dont have the self esteem or courage too. He’s found me before and I know he will again..He’s made that a promise! I’m but of love with him but yes, I do love him. When he’s good, hes great but on the other hand…well–I’m just lost and dont know what to do or where to turn..

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